Demetri Martin Quotes About Giving
-
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
→ -
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
→ -
I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with your audience that is different from stand up. With movies, you can bring the audience in with a close up, and emote in a different way.
→ -
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.
→ -
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
→ -
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.
→ -
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
→ -
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
→ -
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
→ -
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
→ -
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
→
Related Authors
-
Conan O'Brien Talk show host -
Rob Corddry Actor -
Daniel Tosh Comedian -
Louis C. K. Comedian -
Bo Burnham Comedian -
Steven Wright Comedian -
Fred Melamed Actor -
Chris Hardwick Comedian -
Ken Marino Actor -
John Oliver Comedian -
Marc Maron Comedian -
John Mulaney Actor -
Anthony Jeselnik Comedian -
Michaela Watkins Actress -
Hannibal Buress Comedian -
Bobby Moynihan Actor -
Jon Stewart Satirist -
Nathan Fielder Comedian -
Emo Philips Entertainer -
Mitch Hedberg Comedian