Jeff Foxworthy Quotes About Funny
-
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
→ -
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.
→ -
When you're young and you get to choose between sleep and sex you take sex everytime. You start getting older, you get to choose between sleep and sex, you choose sleep and just hope you have a dream about sex.
→ -
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
→ -
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
→ -
You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
→ -
It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
→ -
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
→ -
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
→ -
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
→ -
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
→ -
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'
→ -
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
→ -
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
→ -
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
→ -
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
→ -
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
→ -
I notice my wife when she's on the phone with her friends, man they will share every animate details of their lives with each other. See men once we become friends with another man we may never say another word to him, unless there's valuable information that needs to be exchanged. Things like "Hey Jim, your shirt's on fire."
→ -
Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.
→ -
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
→ -
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
→ -
[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.
→ -
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
→ -
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
→ -
The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord... 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'
→ -
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
→ -
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.
→ -
If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
→ -
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
→ -
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
→
Related Authors
-
Kirk Franklin Musician -
Mark Burnett Television Producer -
Minnie Pearl Comedian -
George Carlin Comedian -
Bill Engvall Comedian -
Denis Leary Actor -
Bill Hicks Comedian -
Bill Cosby Comedian -
Chris Hardwick Comedian -
Ron White Stand-up comedian -
Chris Rock Comedian -
Jerry Seinfeld Comedian -
Ellen DeGeneres Comedian -
Larry the Cable Guy Comedian -
Steve Martin Actor -
Greg Giraldo Stand-up comedian -
Jim Varney Actor -
Kevin Harrington Entrepreneur -
Alan Jackson Singer -
Jeff Dunham Ventriloquist