Frank Carson Quotes
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America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
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A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
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The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.
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What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
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There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
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A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."
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My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
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I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
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A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."
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An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
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I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.
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A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."
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I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
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So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.
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My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
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It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
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A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
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I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.
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This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.
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A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
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Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"
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A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
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I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."
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Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
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I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
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I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."
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There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.
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