Emo Philips Quotes About Funny
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
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People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
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I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
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England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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