Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
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I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
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When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
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One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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