Billy Connolly Quotes
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I like Salvador Dali and Rene Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.
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A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!
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I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
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Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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Well, the film's not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it's pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies. I had never read anything like this until I was doing the film, but Mark [Joffe, the director] and people showed me stuff where, like a flood, it mattered where the water came from. If you're flooded from above, you get the money; if you're flooded from below, you don't. What's that about?
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I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
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I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
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I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn't too nice a thing to do.
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Don't vote, it only encourages them.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I'm desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I'm going back, but I'm not. I'd rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.
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I’ve come in and out of America for… well, I’ve lived here for 15 years. And I’ve played here for nearly 30 years. On and off. But I’ve always played to my fan base. And I can come and do two or three nights in New York or two or three nights in L.A., and all that. But when I go away, nobody knows I’ve been gone. You know, I don’t get reviewed or anything like that. So that’s why I’ve come back and done a longer time in a smaller place, in New York. It’s always the people who live here that get a chance to know me.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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Outgrew the media... The negativity felt like a disease.
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Don't die until you're dead.
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Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!
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I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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Never trust people who've only got one book.
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I'm not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don't eat anything out of a bucket.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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